Bert always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots, so, seeing some on sale, he bought them and wore them home.
Walking proudly, he sauntered into the kitchen and said to his wife,
'Notice anything different about me?'
Margaret looked him over. 'Nope.'
Frustrated, Bert stormed off into the bathroom, undressed and walked
back into the kitchen completely naked except for the boots.
Again he asked Margaret, a little louder this time, 'Notice anything
Margaret looked up and exclaimed, 'Bert, what's different? It's
hanging down today. It was hanging down yesterday and it'll be hanging
down again tomorrow!'
Furious, Bert yelled, 'AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT'S HANGING DOWN, MARGARET?'
'Nope', she replied.
By now, Bert was practically apoplectic, 'IT'S HANGING DOWN, BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!!!!' he screamed.
Without changing her expression, Margaret replied, 'Shoulda bought a hat, Bert. Shoulda bought a hat.'
Hung Chow calls into work and says, 'Solly Boss, I no come work
today. I rearry sick . Got headache, stomach ache and regs
hurt, so I no come work.'
The boss says, 'You know something, Hung Chow, I really
need you today. When I feel sick like you do, I go to my
wife and tell her to give me sex. That makes everything
better and I go to work.. You try that.'
Two hours later Hung Chow calls again.. 'I do what you
say, Boss, and I feel gleat. I be work soon.........You got
nice house, by way.'
An 85-year-old man was requested by his doctor for sperm count as part of his physical exam.
The doctor gave him a jar and said, 'Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow.'
The next day the man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as empty as when he gave it to him.
The doctor asked what happened and the man explained, 'Well, doc, it's like this - first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing.'
'Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing!'
'She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing.'
'We even called up Daisy, the lady next door, and she tried too - first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezing' it between her knees, but still nothing.'
The doctor was shocked.
'You asked your neighbour?' he said.
'Yes.' the old man replied, 'and none of us could get the ******* jar open.'
Link to sexiest butts of the year (adults only, please).
A salesman drove into a small town where a circus was in progress. A sign read: 'Don't Miss The Amazing Scotsman'. The salesman bought a ticket and sat down. There, on centre stage, was a table with three walnuts on it. Standing next to it was an old Scotsman. Suddenly the old man lifted his kilt, whipped out a huge willy and smashed all three walnuts with three mighty swings! The crowd erupted in applause as the elderly Scot was carried off on the shoulders of the crowd.
Ten years later the salesman visited the same little town and saw a faded sign for the same circus and the same sign 'Don't Miss The Amazing Scotsman'. He couldn't believe the old guy was still alive much less still doing his act! He bought a ticket. Again, the centre ring was illuminated. This time, however, instead of walnuts, three coconuts were placed on the table. The Scotsman stood before them, then suddenly lifted his kilt and shattered the coconuts with three swings of his amazing member. The crowd went wild!
Flabbergasted, the salesman requested a meeting with him after the show. 'You're incredible!' he told the Scotsman. 'But I have to know something. You're older now, why switch from walnuts to coconuts? ''Well laddie,' said the Scot, 'Ma eyes are nae whit they used tae be.'
A Scottish-born Jewish man who had worked hard all his life decided that he would like to enjoy life a little, so he applied for membership at his local golf club where he was told that his application would have to be approved by the Membership Board and that he would have their decision in a couple of days.
Two days later he heard that his application had been refused and he went to the golf club to find out why.
He was asked, "You're Jewish, aren't you?"
"Aye" he answered, "but I'm as Scottish as you are."
"Well, you understand that we Scots wear nothing under our kilts."
"Aye, I know that."
"And being Jewish, you must be circumcised. "
"Aye. I am that"
"Well, the board decided that they could not stand a circumcised man parading around with us."
"Och, away with ye man," he cried. "I know I need to be a Protestant to march in the Orangeman's parade and a Catholic to belong to the Knights of Columbus but this is the first time I've heard that a man had to be a complete prick to play golf!"
Two really old guys decided they would go out and try to play a round of golf together. They get on the first tee and the first old guy says to the second, "My eyesight isn't what it used to be. Can you watch my ball for me?".
The second guy says, "Sure! I see fine. Go ahead and hit. "
So the first old man steps up to the tee and really hits it. He turns to his buddy and says, "Did you see it?".
"Sure!", says his buddy.
"Where did it go?", the first guy asks.
The second old man thinks for a minute and says, "I can't remember. "
After having their 11th child (Pocahontas Brittany Larsson O'Neill), a Glesga couple decided that was enough because they could not afford a larger bed.
So the husband went to his GP and said that he and his missus didn't want to have any more children ("Wur no wantin ony mair weans, so wur no.")
The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem but that it was expensive. "A less costly alternative," he added, "is to go home, get a firework banger (available from most east end corner shops all year round), put it in an empty beer can, light it then hold the can up to your ear and count to 10."
The Glesga Ned said to the doctor, "Ah might no be the smartest tool in the shed, but Ah cannae see how pittin a firework in a beer caun next to my ear is gonnae help me no tae huv ony mair weans."
"Trust me." said the doctor.
So the Ned went home, lit a banger and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count, "1 - 2 - 3 - 4 - 5....." at which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs and resumed counting on his other hand.
This procedure is available on the NHS, by the way, and works in Govan, Barrachnie, Garthamlock, Clydebank , Parkhead, Caldercruix, Shettleston, Paisley and Old Kilpatrick.
In 1923, Who Was:
1. President of the largest steel company?
2. President of the largest gas company?
3. President of the New York Stock Exchange?
4. Greatest wheat speculator?
5. President of the Bank of International Settlement?
6 Great Bear of Wall Street?
These men were considered some of the worlds most successful of their days. Now, 80 years later, the history book asks us, if we know what ultimately became of them.
1. The president of the largest steel company.
died a pauper.
2. The president of the largest gas company,
3. The president of the NYSE,
was released from prison
to die at home.
4. The greatest wheat speculator,
died abroad, penniless.
5. The president
of the Bank of International Settlement,
6. The Great Bear of Wall Street,
also committed suicide
in that same year, 1923, the PGA Champion
and the winner of the most important golf tournament,
the US Open, was
What became of him?
He played golf until he was 92,
died in 1999 at the age of 95.
He was financially secure
at the time of his death.
Who art in Hendon
Harrow Road be Thy name
Thy Kingston come
In Erith as it is in Hendon
Give us this day our Berkhampstead
And forgive us our Westminsters
As we forgive those who Westminster against us
Lead us not into Temple Station
And deliver us from Ealing
For thine is the Kingston
The Purley and the Crawley
For Iver and Iver
A man is driving down the road and breaks down near a monastery. He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?
The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, and even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound; a sound like no other that he has ever heard. The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, We can't tell you. You're not a monk.
The man is disappointed but thanks them anyway and goes about his merry way. Some years later, the same man breaks down in front of the same monastery.
The monks again accept him, feed him, an d even fix his car.
That night, he hears the same strange mesmerizing sound that he had heard years earlier.
The next morning, he asks what the sound was, but the monks reply,
We can't tell you. You're not a monk.
The man says, All right, all right. I'm dying to know.
If the only way I can find out what that sound was, is to become a monk, how do I become a monk?
The monks reply, you must travel the earth and tell us how many blades of grass there are and the exact number of sand pebbles. When you find these numbers, you will become a monk.
The man sets about his task. Some forty-five years later, he returns and knocks on the door of the monastery. He says, I have travelled the earth and devoted my life to the task demanded and have found what you had asked for. There are 371,145,236,284,232 blades of grass and 231,281,219,999,129,382 sand pebbles on the earth.
The monks reply, Congratulations, you are correct and now you are a monk. We shall now show you the way to the sound.
The monks lead the man to a wooden door, where the head monk says, the sound is behind that door.
The man reaches for the knob, but the door is locked. He asks, May I have the key?
The monks give him the key, and he opens the door.
Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone. The man requests the key to the stone door.
The monks give him the key, and he opens it, only to find a door made of ruby. He demands another key from the monks, who provide it. Behind that door is another door, this one made of sapphire. And so it went until the man had gone through doors of emerald,...
...silver, topaz, and amethyst.
Finally, the monks say, This is the key to the last door.
The man is relieved to no end. He unlocks the door, turns the knob, and behind that door he is astonished to find the source of that strange sound. It is truly an amazing and unbelievable sight
But I can't tell you what it is because you're not a monk.
In case it isn't obvious, the driver of this National Express coach has raised one of the side panels in order to gain access to the luggage compartment.
Two women were playing golf.
One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole. The ball hit one of the men. He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.
The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize.
'Please allow me to help. I'm a Physiotherapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me.' she told him.
'Oh, no, I'll be all right I'll be fine in a few minutes.' the man replied.
He was in obvious agony, lying in the foetal position, still clasping his hands together at his groin. At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside. She administered tender and artful massage for several long moments and asked 'How does that feel?'
He replied, 'It feels great, but I still think my thumb's broken.'
The travelling minister announces a Special Prayer Meeting, and invites congregants to ask for divine intervention with their problems.
Leroy gets in line, and when it's his turn, the preacher asks, ''Leroy, what do you want me to pray about for you?''
Leroy replies, ''Preacher, I need you to pray for my hearing.''
The preacher puts one finger in Leroy's ear and, placing his other hand on top of Leroy's head, he lifts his eyes to the Heavens and prays and prays and prays.
After a few minutes, the preacher removes his hands, stands back and asks Leroy, ''Leroy, how is your hearing now?''
Leroy says, ''I don't know Reverend, it ain't until next Wednesday!"
A poor man and woman sat down in their living room and the man said,
''I'm going down to the pub, so put your coat on.''
The woman replied, ''Oh, sweetie, why? Are you taking me with you?''
The man replied, ''No, I'm turning the heat off.''
A Texan man is working on the buses and collecting tickets. One day, he rings the bell for the driver to start off when a woman hasn't quite got on the bus and the woman falls off and is killed.
At the trial the bloke is convicted of murder and, as it's Texas, he's sent to the electric chair. On the day of his execution, he's in the chair and the executioner grants him a final wish.
"Well," says the man, "is that your packed lunch over there?"
"Yes," answers the executioner.
"Can I have that green banana?"
The executioner gives the man his green banana and waits until he's
eaten it and, then, flips the switch, sending hundreds of volts through the man. When the smoke clears, the man is still alive and the executioner can't believe his eyes.
"Can I go?" the man asks.
"I suppose so," says the executioner, "That's never happened before."
The man leaves and eventually gets his job back on the buses selling
tickets. Yet again he rings the bell for the driver to go when people are still getting on and, one day, a man falls under the wheels and is killed.
The bloke is convicted for murder again and sent to the electric chair.
The executioner is determined to get it right this time, so rigs the chair up to the electric supply for the whole of Texas.
"What is your final wish?" asks the executioner.
"Can I have that green banana in your packed lunch?" says the
The executioner sighs and reluctantly gives up his banana. The bloke eats the banana and the executioner flips the switch. Millions of volts course through the chair, blacking out Texas. When the smoke clears, the man is still there, smiling in the chair. The executioner can't believe it and lets the man go.
The bloke gets his job back on the buses. Once again he rings the
bell while passengers are still getting on - killing three of them. He is sent to the electric chair again. The executioner rigs up extra electricity to the chair, determined to get his man this time.
What's your final wish?" asks the executioner.
"Well," says the man, "can I have that green banana out of your
The executioner hands over his banana and the man eats it. The
executioner pulls the handle and the volts go through the chair. When the smoke rises the man is still sat there alive without even a mark.
"I give up," says the executioner, "I don't understand how you can
still be alive after all that!" He strokes his chin. "It's something to do with that green banana isn't it?" he asks.
"Nah," says the bloke, "I'm just a very bad conductor."
Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their days interesting. For example, the other day my wife and I drove into town and went into a shop. We were only in there for about 5 minutes and when we came out, there was a traffic warden writing out a parking ticket.
We went up to him and said, 'Come on man, how about giving a senior citizen a break?' He ignored us and continued writing the ticket. I called him a Nazi tw*t. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn tyres.
So my wife called him a shi*he*d. He finished the second ticket and put it on the windscreen with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket. This went on for about 20 minutes. The more we abused him, the more tickets he wrote.
Personally, we didn't care. We came into town by bus. We try to have a little fun each day now that we're retired. It's important at our age.
A father, his son and grandson went to the country club for their weekly round of golf. Just as they reached the first tee, a beautiful young blonde woman carrying her bag of clubs approached them and explained that the member who brought her to the club for a round of golf had an emergency that called him away and asked the trio whether she could join them.
Naturally, the guys all agreed.
Smiling,the blonde thanked them and said, 'Look, fellows, I work in a topless bar as a dancer, so nothing shocks me anymore. If any of you want to smoke cigars, have a beer, bet, swear, tell off-color stories or do anything that you normally do when playing a round together, go ahead. But, I enjoy playing golf, consider myself pretty good at it, so don't try to coach me on how to play my shots.'
The guys agreed and invited her to drive first and all eyes were fastened on her shapely behind as she bent to place her ball on the tee. She then took her driver and hit the ball 270 yards down the middle, right in front of the green.
The father's mouth was agape. 'That was beautiful,' he said.
The blonde put her driver away and said, 'I really didn't get into it, and I faded it a little.'
After the three guys hit their drives and their second shots, the blonde took out an eight iron and lofted the ball within five feet of the hole. (She was closest to the pin.)
The son said, 'Damn, lady, you played that perfectly.'
The blonde frowned and said, 'It was a little weak, but even an easy seven would h ave been too much club. I've left a tricky little putt.' She then tapped in the five-footer for a birdie.
Having the honour, she drove first on the second hole, knocked the heck out of the ball, and it landed nearly 300 yards away smack in the middle of the fairway and, for the rest of the round, the statuesque blonde continued to amaze the guys, quietly and methodically shooting for par or less on every hole.
When they arrived at the 18th green, the blonde was three under par, and had a very nasty 12-foot putt on an undulating green for a par. She turned to the three guys and said, 'I really want to thank you all for not acting like a bunch of chauvinists and telling me what club to use or how to play a shot, but I need this putt for a 69 and I'd really like to break 70 on this course. If any one of you can tell me ho w to make par on this hole, I'll take him back to my apartment, pour some 35-year-old Single Malt Strath Mill Scotch in him, fix him a steak dinner and then show him a very good time the rest of the night.'
The yuppie son jumped at the thought! He strolled across the green, carefully eyeing the line of the putt and finally said, 'Honey, aim about 6 inches to the right of the hole and hit it firm. It will get over that little hump and break right into the cup.'
The father knelt down and lined-up the putt using his putter as a plumb. 'Don't listen to the kid, darlin', you want to hit it softly 10 inches to the right and let it run left down that little hogback, so it falls into the cup.'
The old gray-haired grandfather walked over to the blonde's ball, picked it up and handed it to her and said, 'That's a gimme, sweetheart.'
The blonde smiled and said, 'Your car or mine?'
A nun walks into Mother Superior's office and plonks herself down into a chair and lets out a sigh heavy with frustration.
'What troubles you, Sister?' asked the Mother Superior, 'I thought this was the day you spent with your family.'
'It was,' sighed the Sister. 'And I went to play golf with my brother. We try to play golf as often as we can. You know I was quite a talented golfer before I devoted my life to Christ.'
'I seem to recall that,' the Mother Superior agreed. 'So I take it your day of recreation was not relaxing?'
'Far from it,' snorted the Sister. 'In fact, I even took the Lord's name in vain today!'
'Goodness, Sister!' gasped the Mother Superior, astonished. 'You must tell me all about it!'
'Well, we were on the fifth tee...and this hole is a monster, 540 yard Par five, with a nasty dog-leg left and a hidden green...and I hit the drive of my life. I creamed it. The sweetest swing I ever made. And it's flying straight and true, right along the line I wanted...and it hits a bird in mid-flight not 100 yards off the tee!'
'Oh my!' commiserated the Mother. 'How unfortunate! But surely that didn't make you blaspheme, Sister!'
'No, that wasn't it,' admitted Sister. 'While I was still trying to fathom what had happened, this squirrel runs out of the woods, grabs my ball and runs off down the fairway!'
'Oh, that would have made me blaspheme!' sympathized the Mother.
'But I didn't, Mother!' sobbed the Sister. 'And I was so proud of myself!
And while I was pondering whether this was a sign from God, this hawk swoops out of the sky and grabs the squirrel and flies off, with my ball still clutched in his paws!'
'So that's when you cursed,' said the Mother with a knowing smile.
'Nope, that wasn't it either,' cried the Sister, anguished, 'because as the hawk started to fly out of sight, the squirrel started struggling, and the hawk dropped him right there on the green, and the ball popped out of his paws and rolled to about 18 inches from the cup!'
Mother Superior sat back in her chair, folded her arms across her chest, fixed the Sister with a baleful stare and said, 'Don't tell me. You missed the f*****ng putt, didn't you?'
Here are 8 of the finest (unintentional) double-entendres ever aired
on British TV and radio.
1. Pat Glenn, weightlifting commentator - "And this is Gregoriava
from Bulgaria .. I saw her snatch this morning and it was
2. New Zealand Rugby Commentator - "Andrew Mehrtens loves it when Daryl Gibson comes inside of him."
3. Harry Carpenter at the Oxford-Cambridge boat race 1977 - "Ah,
isn't that nice. The wife of the Cambridge President is kissing the
Cox of the Oxford crew."
4.. Carenza Lewis about finding food in the Middle Ages on 'Time Team
Live' said: "You'd eat beaver if you could get it."
5.. Steve Ryder covering the US Masters: "Ballesteros felt much better
today after a 69 yesterday."
6. Mike Hallett discussing missed snooker shots on Sky Sports:
"Stephen Hendry jumps on Steve Davis's misses every chance he gets."
7.. Michael Buerk on watching Phillipa Forrester cuddle up to a male
astronomer for warmth during BBC1's UK eclipse coverage remarked:
"They seem cold out there, they're rubbing each other and he's only
come in his shorts."
8.. Ken Brown commentating on golfer Nick Faldo and his caddie Fanny
Sunneson lining-up shots at the Scottish Open: "Some weeks Nick likes
to use Fanny, other weeks he prefers to do it by himself."
Evidently, Viagra' is now available in powder form.
Taken with a cup of tea, it doesn't do very much to enhance sexual performance but it does stop the biscuits going soft.
When Ralph first noticed that his penis was growing larger and staying erect longer, he was delighted, as was his wife. But after several weeks, his penis had grown to nearly twenty inches and Ralph became quite concerned. He was having problems dressing and even walking. So he and his wife went to see a prominent urologist.
After an initial examination, the doctor explained to the couple that, though rare, Ralph's condition could be fixed through corrective surgery.
"How long will Ralph be on crutches?" the wife asked anxiously.
"Crutches?" responded the surprised doctor, "Why would he need crutches?"
"Well," said the wife coldly, "you're gonna lengthen his legs, aren't you?
An Australian bus driver is sitting at a bar and looks at his watch several times in the space of a few minutes.
A woman sitting nearby asks, "Is your date running late?"
"No," he replies, "I have this state-of-the-art watch. I was just testing it."
The woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?"
The Aussie explains, "It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically."
The lady says, "What's it telling you now?"
"Well, it says you're not wearing any panties."
The woman giggles and replies, "Well it must be broken because I am wearing panties!''
The Aussie smirks, checks his watch again and says, "Bloody thing's running about an hour fast. Can I buy you a drink?"