HUMOUR:
Warning:
If some of this humour doesn't really appeal to you, I'm sorry. It has to be remembered that I have been a soldier and a bus and taxi driver. More importantly, however, wait until you've reached three score and ten and a few more - then it might! I particularly like the one about the New Boots, by the way.
Contributions welcome........
Only from a Scotsman....
A Priest, a Doctor, a rich Businessman and a Scotsman were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers in front of them.
The Doctor shouted to them, "I've never seen such poor golf!"
The Scotsman chimed in, "Och aye! We ha' been waitin' for nigh on fifteen minutes!"
The Businessman called out, "Move it on you guys, time is money."
The Priest said, "Here comes George the green-keeper. Let's have a word with him."
"Hello, George!" said the Priest, "What's wrong with that annoying group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?"
George the green-keeper replied, "Oh, yes.. That's a group of blind fire fighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free, anytime they want to."
The group fell into an embarrassed silence for a moment.
Then the Priest said,
"That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight."
The Doctor said,
"Good idea. I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist colleagues and see if there's anything they can do for them."
The Businessman replied,
"I think I'll donate £350,000 to the Fire Brigade Benevolent Fund in honour of these brave souls."
And the Scotsman said,
"Why kin they no play at night?
Most of my acquaintances know I have a parrot (see photo); so, I couldn't resist adding this little story to this blog:-
A young man named John received a parrot as a gift. The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary. Every word out of the bird’s mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity.
John tried and tried to change the bird’s attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else he could think of to ‘clean up’ the bird’s vocabulary. Finally, John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled back. John shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even more rude. John, in desperation, threw up his hand, grabbed the bird and put him in the freezer>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed. Then suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard for over a minute. Fearing that he’d hurt the parrot, John quickly opened the door to the freezer. The parrot calmly stepped out onto John’s outstretched arms and said “I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I’m sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behavior.”
John was stunned at the change in the bird’s attitude. As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behavior, the bird spoke-up, very softly, “May I ask what the turkey did?'
With the Christmas upon us, I would like to share an experience with my friends about drinking and driving.
Some of you may have had brushes with the authorities on the way home after a social time out. Well, two days ago I was out for dinner with friends and had a couple of cocktails followed by a bottle of some rather nice red wine. Feeling jolly, but I still had the sense to know that I may be ---slightly-- over the limit.
That's when I did something that I've never done before - I took a cab home.
Sure enough, on the way home there was a police road check, but since it was a cab they waved it past. I arrived home safely without incident. This was a real surprise as I had never driven a cab before... I don't know where I got it and now that it's in my garage, I'm not sure now what to do with it.
A little girl goes to the barber's shop with her father.
She was eating a sticky cake as she stood next to the chair whilst her dad gets his hair cut and the barber says to her, 'Sweetheart, you're gonna get hair on your muffin.'
To which she replied, 'Yes, I know. And I'm gonna get boobs too.'
An old Marine Pilot sat down at the Starbucks, still wearing his old USMC flight jacket and ordered a cup of coffee.
As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him. She turned to the pilot and asked,
Are you a real pilot?
He replied, 'Well, I've spent my whole life flying planes, first Stearmans, then the early Grummans... flew a Wildcat and Corsair in WWII, and later in the Korean conflict, Banshees and Cougars. I've taught more than 260 people to fly and given rides to hundreds, so I guess I am a pilot, and you, what are you?
She said, 'I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about naked women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about naked women. When I shower, I think about naked women. When I watch TV, I think about naked women. It seems everything makes me think of naked women.'
The two sat sipping in silence.
A little while later, a young man sat down on the other side of the old pilot and asked:
"Are you a real pilot?"
He replied, 'I always thought I was, but I just found out I'm a lesbian.'
Australian Love Poem:
Of course I love ya darlin
You're a bloody top-notch bird
And when I say you're gorgeous
I mean every single word.
So ya bum is on the big side
I don't mind a bit of flab
It means that when I'm ready
There's somethin there to grab.
So your belly isn't flat no more
I tell ya, I don't care
So long as when I cuddle ya
I can get my arms round there.
No Sheila who is your age
Has nice round perky breasts
Yours just gave in to gravity
But I know ya did ya best.
I'm tellin' ya the truth now
I never tell ya lies
I think it’s very sexy, that
You've got dimples on ya thighs.
I swear on me nanna's grave now
The moment that we met
I thought you was as good as I was ever gonna get.
No matter what you look like
I'll always love ya dear
Now shut up while the cricket's on
And fetch another beer.
Note for Milkman:
Golf Club Stewards:
Two true stories from when I was a golf club steward.
Quite often, golf club stewards took their wives with them when they went to their tournaments and, whilst the husbands were on the golf course, the host stewardess might show the other wives around local places of interest (usually the local shops). Afterwards, they would join the golfers and their guests at the presentation dinner in the evening.
After one of these occasions, one of the stewards drove home to his own golf club the north west of England and, when he arrived, his son asked where his mother was. Evidently, the steward had forgotten that he had taken his wife along. Fortunately, however, another steward gave her a lift home and when she walked into their living room (allegedly, with steam coming out of her ears) the steward confronted his wife - saying.......
"And WHERE do you think YOU'VE been 'till THIS time?"
On another occasion, on the morning after an especially convivial golf club stewards' tournament, a fellow steward telephoned me to ask if I could drive around to his club to help him look for something he had lost during the previous evening. "You've got a car." I told him, "Why don't you go and look yourself?"
"It's the car, we'll be looking for." my friend replied.
Mick says to Paddy: "Close your curtains the next time you're having sex with your wife. The whole street was watching and laughing at you yesterday."
"Well." Paddy chuckles, "The jokes on them, 'cos I wasn't even at home yesterday!"
Did hear about........
"Did you hear about the dyslexic agnostic insomniac?
He would stay awake all night, tossing and turning, wondering if there is a Dog."
Submitted by Susan Pope Snook via facebook.
Golf Balls:
A man got on the bus with both of his front trouser pockets full of golf balls.
He sat down next to a beautiful (you guessed it) blonde who kept looking at him and his bulging pockets.
Finally, after many glances from her, he said, "It's golf balls."
The blonde continued to look at him for a very long time, thinking deeply about what he had said.
Finally, her curiosity got the better of her and she asked, "Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow?"
Medical Report:
My friend's just been diagnosed with the big C. Dyslexia.
Oh dear, Kylie:
Priceless!
For the Ladies:
n.b. In order to read this, it might be necessary to use whatever enlarging facility your computer has.
Jews sunk the Titanic:
The plane leaves Heathrow Airport under the control of a Jewish captain; his co-pilot is Chinese.
It's the first time they've flown together and an awkward silence seems to indicate a mutual dislike.
Once they reach cruising altitude, the Jewish captain activates the auto-pilot and mutters, 'I don't like Chinese.'
'No rike Chinese?' asks the co-pilot, 'Why not?'
'You people bombed Pearl Harbor , that's why!'
'No, no', the co-pilot protests, 'Chinese not bomb Peahl Hahbah! That Japanese, not Chinese.'
'Japanese, Chinese, Vietnamese....doesn't matter, you're all alike!'
There's a few minutes of silence.
'I no rike Jews!' the co-pilot suddenly announces.
'Oh yeah, why not?' asks the captain.
'Jews sink Titanic!' says the co-pilot.
'What? You're insane! Jews didn't sink the Titanic!' exclaims the captain, 'It was an iceberg!'
'Iceberg, Goldberg, Greenberg, Rosenberg , ....nomattah....all same.'
Male Sensitivity:
The room was full of pregnant women and their partners.
A class was in full swing with the instructor teaching the women how to breathe and telling the men how to give the necessary help and assurance to their partners at this stage of the pregnancy.
"Ladies." she said, "Remember that exercise is good for you. Walking is especially beneficial. It strengthens the pelvic muscles and will make delivery that much easier. Just pace yourself, make plenty of stops, and try to stay on a soft surface like grass or a path."
Turning to the men in the room, she added, "Gentlemen, remember you're in this together. It wouldn't hurt you to go walking with her. In fact, that shared experience would be good for you both."
The room became very quiet as the men absorbed this advice.
After a few moments, one of the men slowly raised his hand.
"I was just wondering." he said to the instructor, "Would it be all right if she carries a golf bag?"
Nurses aren't supposed to laugh:
"Of course I won't laugh," said the nurse. "I'm a professional. In over twenty years I've never laughed at a patient."
"Okay then," said Fred, and he proceeded to drop his trousers, revealing the smallest male part the nurse had ever seen.
It's length and width was almost identical to a AAA battery.
Unable to control herself, the nurse tried to stop a giggle and then she started laughing at the fact that she was giggling.
Feeling very badly that she had laughed at the man's part, she composed herself as well as she could.
"I am so sorry," she said. "I don't know what came over me. On my honour as a nurse and a lady, I promise that won't happen again. Now, tell me, what seems to be the problem?"
"It's swollen." Fred replied.
She ran out of the room.
A selection from recent e-mails:
My neighbour knocked on my door at 2:30 am this morning. Can you believe that 2:30 am?!
Luckily for him I was still up playing my bagpipes.
I sat on the train this morning opposite a stunning Thai girl.
I kept thinking to myself, please don't get an erection, please don't get an erection...but she did.
Did you hear about the fat alcoholic transvestite?
All he wanted to do was eat, drink and be Mary.
Paddy says "Mick, I'm thinking of buying a Labrador."
"Sod that." says Mick, "Have you seen how many of their owners go blind."
I was in bed with a blind girl last night and she said that I had the biggest willy she had ever laid her hands on.
I said, "You're pulling my leg."
I've just had a letter back from Screwfix.
Apparently, they're not a dating agency.
Spent £40 on eBay last week for a p*nis enlarger.
Just opened it and some bastard has sent me a magnifying glass!
Went for my routine check up today and everything seemed to be going fine until he stuck his index finger up my arse!
Do you think I should change my dentist?
A wife says to her husband, "You're always pushing me around and talking behind my back."
He says, "What do you expect? You're in a wheel chair."
Doctors have just identified a food that can cause grief and suffering years after it's been eaten.
It's called a wedding cake.
The wife has been missing a week now and the police have just warned me to prepare for the worst.
So, I better go back to the charity shop to get all her clothes back.
White House Bathroom:
Before the 2001 inauguration of George Bush, he was invited to take a tour of the White House.
When it was over, he asked outgoing President Bill Clinton if he could use his personal bathroom and, when he entered, he was astonished to see that President Clinton had a solid gold urinal.
That afternoon, George told his wife, Laura, about the urinal. 'Just think,' he said, 'when I am President, I too could have a gold urinal. But I wouldn't do something so self-indulgent!'
Later, when Laura had tea with Hillary, she told her how impressed George had been at his discovery of the fact that the President had a gold urinal.
That evening, when Bill and Hillary were in bed, Hillary smiled, and said to Bill: 'I found out who pissed in your saxophone.'
Pub Quiz:
In a pub quiz the other day I lost by one point.
The question was, "Where do women mostly have curly hair?"
Apparently, the correct answer is Africa .
Banned from the Supermarket (I didn't like shopping there anyway):
Having just bought a large bag of dog-food for my loyal pet, I was at the checkout at a local supermarket when a woman behind me asked if I owned a dog.
What did she think I had, an elephant?
Anyway, since I'm retired and have very little to do, on impulse, I told her, "No. I didn't have a dog. I'm trying the dog-food diet again." adding, "I probably shouldn't because, the last time I tried it, although I lost nearly two stone, I ended up in Intensive Care with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms."
I then went on to tell her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that all anyone needed to do was to fill their pockets with the nuggets and simply eat one or two every time they felt hungry. The food is nutritionally complete, so it works well and, despite the previous unfortunate experience, I was about to try it again.
(I have to mention here that, by now, practically everyone in the queue was enthralled with my story.)
Horrified, she asked me if I had ended up in hospital because the dog food had poisoned me - and I told her. "No, I stepped off the kerb to sniff an Irish Setter's arse and a car hit me."
I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack, he was laughing so hard.
Sadly, I'm now banned from that particular supermarket.
Football story:
A primary teacher explains to her class that she is a Manchester United fan.
She asks her students to raise their hands if they too are Manchester United fans.
Everyone in the class rasises their hand except one little girl.
The teacher looks at the girl with surprise and says, 'Mary, why didn't you raise your hand?'
'Because I 'm not a Manchester United fan,' she replied.
The teacher, still shocked, asked, 'Well, if you are not a Manchester United fan, then who are you a fan of?'
'I am a Liverpool fan, and proud of it,' she replied.
The teacher could not believe her ears. 'Mary, why, pray tell, are you a Liverpool fan?'
'Because my mum is a Liverpool fan, and my dad is a Liverpool fan, so I am a Liverpool fan too!'
'Well,' said the teacher in an obviously annoyed tone, 'That is no reason for you not to be a Man Utd fan.
You don't have to be like your parents all of the time.
What if your mum was a prostitute and your dad was a drug addict, what would you be then?'
'Then,' Mary smiled, 'I'd be a Manchester United fan.'
Visual humour.
I just find this so amusing........
Irish emergency call.
Paddy: 'Get an ambulance here quick, he's bleeding from his nose and ears
and I tink both his legs are broken.'
Operator: 'What is your location sir?'
Paddy: 'Outside number 28 Eucalyptus Street .'
Operator: 'How do you spell that sir?'
Silence and after a minute.
Operator: 'Are you there sir?'
Silence and a minute later.
Operator: 'Sir, can you hear me?'
This goes on for another few minutes until ..........
Operator: 'Sir, please answer me. Can you still hear me?'
Scroll down.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Paddy: 'Yes, sorry bout dat. I just dragged him round to number 3 Oak Street .
Kulula Airlines:
A low-cost South-African airline that doesn't take itself too seriously.
Check out their new livery!
Middle East Mothers.
I don't, normally, 'do' stuff that might be considered overtly non-PC.
This, however amused me........
Two Middle Eastern mothers are sitting in a cafe chatting over a plate of tabouli and a pint of goat's milk.
The older of the mothers pulls a bag out of her purse and starts flipping through some photos and they start reminiscing.
'This is my oldest son Mohammed. He would be 24 years old now.'
'Yes, I remember him as a baby.' says the other mother cheerfully.
'He's a martyr now though.' mum confides..
'Oh, so sad dear.' says the other.
'And this is my second son Kalid. He would be 21.'
'Oh, I remember him,' says the other happily, 'He had such curly hair when he was born'.
'He's a martyr too.' says mum quietly.
'Oh, gracious me.' says the other.
'And this is my third son. My baby. My beautiful Achmed.'
'He would be 18.' she whispers.
'Yes.' says the friend enthusiastically, 'I remember when he first started school.'
'He's a martyr also.' says mum, with tears in her eyes.
After a pause and a deep sigh, the second Muslim mother looks wistfully at the photographs and says...
'They blow up so fast, don't they?'
Yorkshire.
Following the death of an extremely religious Yorkshire woman, her husband asked the stonemason to inscribe, "Lord, she was thine." on the headstone of her grave.
Returning, some time later, the husband was extremely annoyed to discover that the stonemason had inscribed, "Lord, she was thin." by mistake. So, pointing out to the error, the husband explained that, "You've missed off the ******* 'e'."
When the husband returned again, the stonemason had done as he had been instructed (or, so he thought) and the headstone read, "Eee, Lord, she was thin."
Computer problem.
I had a problem with my computer yesterday, so I called Eric, the 11 year old next door, whose bedroom looks like Mission Control, and asked him to come over and try to fix it.
Eric clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem.
As he was walking away, I called after him, "So, what was wrong?"
He replied, "It was an ID ten T error."
I didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired, "An, ID ten T error? What's that? In case I need to fix it again."
Eric grinned.... "Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error before?"
"No." I replied.
"Write it down," he said, "and I think you'll figure it out."
So I wrote down:
ID10T
I used to like Eric, the little b*~*~*d.
Election Humour.
A little boy goes to his dad and asks, 'What is Politics?'
Dad says, 'Well son, let me try to explain it this way; I am the head of the family, so call me The Prime Minister. Your mother is the administrator of the money, so we call her the Government. We are here to take care of your needs, so we will call you the People. The nanny, we will consider her the Working Class. And your baby brother, we will call him the Future. Now think about that and see if it makes sense.'
So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said.
Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying. So he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has severely soiled his nappy. So the little boy goes to his parent's room and finds his mother asleep.
Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny..
He gives up and goes back to bed.
The next morning, the little boy say's to his father, 'Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now. '
The father says, 'Good, son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about.'
The little boy replies, 'The Prime Minister is screwing the Working Class while the Government is sound asleep. The People are being ignored and the Future is in deep shit.'
Three engineering students were discussing the possible designers of the human body.
One said, "It was a mechanical engineer. Just look at all the joints."
Another said, "No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system has many thousands of electrical connections."
The last one said, "Actually it was a civil engineer. Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?"
Paddy and Mick.
This is the first piece of humour I've received from a contributor.
I'm grateful for it and, to protect the innocent, I'm concealing his/her identity.
Paddy happens to look in one of the shop windows and sees a sign that catches his eye.
The sign said: "Suits £5.00 each, Shirts £2.00 each, Trousers £2.50 per pair".
Paddy says to his pal, "Mick, look! We could buy a whole lot of dose and when we get back to Ireland we could make a fortune."
"Now when we go into the shop, you be quiet, OK?"
"Just let me do all the talking, cause if they hear our accent, they might not be nice to us I'll speak in my best English accent."
"Roight y'are, Paddy, I'll keep me mouth shut, so I will," replies Mick.
They go in and Paddy says, "I'll take 50 suits at £5.00 each, 100 shirts at £2.00 each And 50 pairs of trousers at £2.50 each. I'll back up my van and..."
The owner of the shop interrupts. "You're from Ireland , aren't you?"
"Well... Yes," says a surprised Paddy. "How der hell d' y' know dat?"
The owner replied, "This is a dry cleaners."
Today's Lesson.
Little Johnny watched his daddy's car pass by the school playground and go into the woods. Curious, he followed the car and saw Daddy and Aunt Jane in a passionate embrace.
Little Johnny found this so exciting that he could hardly contain himself as he ran home and started to tell his mother. "Mummy, I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, and then he helped her take off her shirt. Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane..."
At this point Mummy cut him off and said, "Johnny, this is such an interesting story, let’s save the rest of it for supper time. I want to see the look on Daddy's face when you tell it tonight."
At the dinner table that evening, Mummy asked little Johnny to tell his story Johnny started his story, "I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt. Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane and Daddy started doing the same thing that Mummy and Uncle Bill used to do when Daddy was away on the oil rigs."
Moral:
Sometimes you need to just shut up and listen to the whole story before you interrupt!
Super Glue.
I must give credi to the Twitter character known as Mrs Stephen Fry for this contribution.
"I'd love to tell you why my Stephen likes to spread super-glue all over his you-know-what but my lips are sealed."
Snowman for grown-ups:
I must give credit to the Will Carling on Twitter for this contribution.
Not really suitable for kids.
tweetphoto.com/8271174
Invited by the judge to explain why he had admitted to 'liking' twenty five years olds, a man accused of being a paedophile replied, "Well, there are twenty of them, Your Honour."
Talking Dog:
A guy is driving around the back woods of Montana and he sees a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house, 'Talking Dog For Sale'.
He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard.
The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there.
"You talk?" he asks.
"Yep." the Lab replies.
After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says "So, what's your story?"
The Lab looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA."
"In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping."
"I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running. But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down."
"I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals."
"I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."
The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.
"Ten dollars." the guy says.
"Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?"
"Because he's a liar. He never did any of that crap."
Fare saving.
Before boarding a bus, a man asked the driver, "What is the fare to the railway station?"
"Sixty pence" said the driver.
After the bus left, the man raced alongside it until it reached the next stop and then gasped, "What is the fare now?"
"Ninety pence," said the driver. "You're running the wrong ******* way."
New boots.
Bert always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots, so, seeing some on sale, he bought them and wore them home.
Walking proudly, he sauntered into the kitchen and said to his wife,
'Notice anything different about me?'
Margaret looked him over. 'Nope.'
Frustrated, Bert stormed off into the bathroom, undressed and walked
back into the kitchen completely naked except for the boots.
Again he asked Margaret, a little louder this time, 'Notice anything
different NOW?'
Margaret looked up and exclaimed, 'Bert, what's different? It's
hanging down today. It was hanging down yesterday and it'll be hanging
down again tomorrow!'
Furious, Bert yelled, 'AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT'S HANGING DOWN, MARGARET?'
'Nope', she replied.
By now, Bert was practically apoplectic, 'IT'S HANGING DOWN, BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!!!!' he screamed.
Without changing her expression, Margaret replied, 'Shoulda bought a hat, Bert. Shoulda bought a hat.'
Whether or not you are a country music fan, these are truly the words of a
deep thinker, and a highly intelligent person. So simple, yet so profound!
Read the words of wisdom from that famous philosopher Willie Nelson, iconic
country and western singer, on his 75th birthday.
The Penis Poem--by Willie Nelson
My nookie days are over,
My pilot light is out.
What used to be my sex appeal,
Is now my water spout.
Time was when, on its own accord,
From my trousers it would spring.
But now I've got a full time job,
To find the bleeding thing.
It used to be embarrassing,
The way it would behave.
For every single morning,
It would stand and watch me shave.
Now as old age approaches,
It sure gives me the blues.
To see it hang its little head,
And watch me tie my shoes!
Chinese worker.
Hung Chow calls into work and says, 'Solly Boss, I no come work
today. I rearry sick . Got headache, stomach ache and regs
hurt, so I no come work.'
The boss says, 'You know something, Hung Chow, I really
need you today. When I feel sick like you do, I go to my
wife and tell her to give me sex. That makes everything
better and I go to work.. You try that.'
Two hours later Hung Chow calls again.. 'I do what you
say, Boss, and I feel gleat. I be work soon.........You got
nice house, by way.'
Old age.
An 85-year-old man was requested by his doctor for sperm count as part of his physical exam.
The doctor gave him a jar and said, 'Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow.'
The next day the man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as empty as when he gave it to him.
The doctor asked what happened and the man explained, 'Well, doc, it's like this - first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing.'
'Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing!'
'She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing.'
'We even called up Daisy, the lady next door, and she tried too - first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezing' it between her knees, but still nothing.'
The doctor was shocked.
'You asked your neighbour?' he said.
'Yes.' the old man replied, 'and none of us could get the ******* jar open.'
Link to sexiest butts of the year (adults only, please).
Click here.
'Don't Miss The Amazing Scotsman'.
A salesman drove into a small town where a circus was in progress. A sign read: 'Don't Miss The Amazing Scotsman'. The salesman bought a ticket and sat down. There, on centre stage, was a table with three walnuts on it. Standing next to it was an old Scotsman. Suddenly the old man lifted his kilt, whipped out a huge willy and smashed all three walnuts with three mighty swings! The crowd erupted in applause as the elderly Scot was carried off on the shoulders of the crowd.
Ten years later the salesman visited the same little town and saw a faded sign for the same circus and the same sign 'Don't Miss The Amazing Scotsman'. He couldn't believe the old guy was still alive much less still doing his act! He bought a ticket. Again, the centre ring was illuminated. This time, however, instead of walnuts, three coconuts were placed on the table. The Scotsman stood before them, then suddenly lifted his kilt and shattered the coconuts with three swings of his amazing member. The crowd went wild!
Flabbergasted, the salesman requested a meeting with him after the show. 'You're incredible!' he told the Scotsman. 'But I have to know something. You're older now, why switch from walnuts to coconuts? ''Well laddie,' said the Scot, 'Ma eyes are nae whit they used tae be.'
Scottish Jew.
A Scottish-born Jewish man who had worked hard all his life decided that he would like to enjoy life a little, so he applied for membership at his local golf club where he was told that his application would have to be approved by the Membership Board and that he would have their decision in a couple of days.
Two days later he heard that his application had been refused and he went to the golf club to find out why.
He was asked, "You're Jewish, aren't you?"
"Aye" he answered, "but I'm as Scottish as you are."
"Well, you understand that we Scots wear nothing under our kilts."
"Aye, I know that."
"And being Jewish, you must be circumcised. "
"Aye. I am that"
"Well, the board decided that they could not stand a circumcised man parading around with us."
"Och, away with ye man," he cried. "I know I need to be a Protestant to march in the Orangeman's parade and a Catholic to belong to the Knights of Columbus but this is the first time I've heard that a man had to be a complete prick to play golf!"
Elderly golfers.
Two really old guys decided they would go out and try to play a round of golf together. They get on the first tee and the first old guy says to the second, "My eyesight isn't what it used to be. Can you watch my ball for me?".
The second guy says, "Sure! I see fine. Go ahead and hit. "
So the first old man steps up to the tee and really hits it. He turns to his buddy and says, "Did you see it?".
"Sure!", says his buddy.
"Where did it go?", the first guy asks.
The second old man thinks for a minute and says, "I can't remember. "
Glasgow Vasectomy.
After having their 11th child (Pocahontas Brittany Larsson O'Neill), a Glesga couple decided that was enough because they could not afford a larger bed.
So the husband went to his GP and said that he and his missus didn't want to have any more children ("Wur no wantin ony mair weans, so wur no.")
The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem but that it was expensive. "A less costly alternative," he added, "is to go home, get a firework banger (available from most east end corner shops all year round), put it in an empty beer can, light it then hold the can up to your ear and count to 10."
The Glesga Ned said to the doctor, "Ah might no be the smartest tool in the shed, but Ah cannae see how pittin a firework in a beer caun next to my ear is gonnae help me no tae huv ony mair weans."
"Trust me." said the doctor.
So the Ned went home, lit a banger and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count, "1 - 2 - 3 - 4 - 5....." at which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs and resumed counting on his other hand.
This procedure is available on the NHS, by the way, and works in Govan, Barrachnie, Garthamlock, Clydebank , Parkhead, Caldercruix, Shettleston, Paisley and Old Kilpatrick.
Please read this and get life into perspective!!!!!!!
In 1923, Who Was:
1. President of the largest steel company?
2. President of the largest gas company?
3. President of the New York Stock Exchange?
4. Greatest wheat speculator?
5. President of the Bank of International Settlement?
6 Great Bear of Wall Street?
These men were considered some of the worlds most successful of their days. Now, 80 years later, the history book asks us, if we know what ultimately became of them.
The Answers:
1. The president of the largest steel company.
Charles Schwab,
died a pauper.
2. The president of the largest gas company,
Edward Hopson,
went insane.
3. The president of the NYSE,
Richard Whitney,
was released from prison
to die at home.
4. The greatest wheat speculator,
Arthur Cooger,
died abroad, penniless.
5. The president
of the Bank of International Settlement,
shot himself.
6. The Great Bear of Wall Street,
Cosabee Livermore,
also committed suicide
However,
in that same year, 1923, the PGA Champion
and the winner of the most important golf tournament,
the US Open, was
Gene Sarazen.
What became of him?
He played golf until he was 92,
died in 1999 at the age of 95.
He was financially secure
at the time of his death.
The Moral:
Fuck work.
Play golf.
A London bus driver's prayer.
Our Father
Who art in Hendon
Harrow Road be Thy name
Thy Kingston come
Thy Wimbledon
In Erith as it is in Hendon
Give us this day our Berkhampstead
And forgive us our Westminsters
As we forgive those who Westminster against us
Lead us not into Temple Station
And deliver us from Ealing
For thine is the Kingston
The Purley and the Crawley
For Iver and Iver
Crouch End
A monk's tale.
A man is driving down the road and breaks down near a monastery. He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?
The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, and even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound; a sound like no other that he has ever heard. The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, We can't tell you. You're not a monk.
The man is disappointed but thanks them anyway and goes about his merry way. Some years later, the same man breaks down in front of the same monastery.
The monks again accept him, feed him, an d even fix his car.
That night, he hears the same strange mesmerizing sound that he had heard years earlier.
The next morning, he asks what the sound was, but the monks reply,
We can't tell you. You're not a monk.
The man says, All right, all right. I'm dying to know.
If the only way I can find out what that sound was, is to become a monk, how do I become a monk?
The monks reply, you must travel the earth and tell us how many blades of grass there are and the exact number of sand pebbles. When you find these numbers, you will become a monk.
The man sets about his task. Some forty-five years later, he returns and knocks on the door of the monastery. He says, I have travelled the earth and devoted my life to the task demanded and have found what you had asked for. There are 371,145,236,284,232 blades of grass and 231,281,219,999,129,382 sand pebbles on the earth.
The monks reply, Congratulations, you are correct and now you are a monk. We shall now show you the way to the sound.
The monks lead the man to a wooden door, where the head monk says, the sound is behind that door.
The man reaches for the knob, but the door is locked. He asks, May I have the key?
The monks give him the key, and he opens the door.
Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone. The man requests the key to the stone door.
The monks give him the key, and he opens it, only to find a door made of ruby. He demands another key from the monks, who provide it. Behind that door is another door, this one made of sapphire. And so it went until the man had gone through doors of emerald,...
...silver, topaz, and amethyst.
Finally, the monks say, This is the key to the last door.
The man is relieved to no end. He unlocks the door, turns the knob, and behind that door he is astonished to find the source of that strange sound. It is truly an amazing and unbelievable sight
But I can't tell you what it is because you're not a monk.
National Express.
In case it isn't obvious, the driver of this National Express coach has raised one of the side panels in order to gain access to the luggage compartment.
Lady golfer.
Two women were playing golf.
One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole. The ball hit one of the men. He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.
The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize.
'Please allow me to help. I'm a Physiotherapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me.' she told him.
'Oh, no, I'll be all right I'll be fine in a few minutes.' the man replied.
He was in obvious agony, lying in the foetal position, still clasping his hands together at his groin. At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside. She administered tender and artful massage for several long moments and asked 'How does that feel?'
He replied, 'It feels great, but I still think my thumb's broken.'
The power of prayer.
The travelling minister announces a Special Prayer Meeting, and invites congregants to ask for divine intervention with their problems.
Leroy gets in line, and when it's his turn, the preacher asks, ''Leroy, what do you want me to pray about for you?''
Leroy replies, ''Preacher, I need you to pray for my hearing.''
The preacher puts one finger in Leroy's ear and, placing his other hand on top of Leroy's head, he lifts his eyes to the Heavens and prays and prays and prays.
After a few minutes, the preacher removes his hands, stands back and asks Leroy, ''Leroy, how is your hearing now?''
Leroy says, ''I don't know Reverend, it ain't until next Wednesday!"
Going Out.
A poor man and woman sat down in their living room and the man said,
''I'm going down to the pub, so put your coat on.''
The woman replied, ''Oh, sweetie, why? Are you taking me with you?''
The man replied, ''No, I'm turning the heat off.''
USA bus joke.
A Texan man is working on the buses and collecting tickets. One day, he rings the bell for the driver to start off when a woman hasn't quite got on the bus and the woman falls off and is killed.
At the trial the bloke is convicted of murder and, as it's Texas, he's sent to the electric chair. On the day of his execution, he's in the chair and the executioner grants him a final wish.
"Well," says the man, "is that your packed lunch over there?"
"Yes," answers the executioner.
"Can I have that green banana?"
The executioner gives the man his green banana and waits until he's
eaten it and, then, flips the switch, sending hundreds of volts through the man. When the smoke clears, the man is still alive and the executioner can't believe his eyes.
"Can I go?" the man asks.
"I suppose so," says the executioner, "That's never happened before."
The man leaves and eventually gets his job back on the buses selling
tickets. Yet again he rings the bell for the driver to go when people are still getting on and, one day, a man falls under the wheels and is killed.
The bloke is convicted for murder again and sent to the electric chair.
The executioner is determined to get it right this time, so rigs the chair up to the electric supply for the whole of Texas.
"What is your final wish?" asks the executioner.
"Can I have that green banana in your packed lunch?" says the
condemned man.
The executioner sighs and reluctantly gives up his banana. The bloke eats the banana and the executioner flips the switch. Millions of volts course through the chair, blacking out Texas. When the smoke clears, the man is still there, smiling in the chair. The executioner can't believe it and lets the man go.
The bloke gets his job back on the buses. Once again he rings the
bell while passengers are still getting on - killing three of them. He is sent to the electric chair again. The executioner rigs up extra electricity to the chair, determined to get his man this time.
What's your final wish?" asks the executioner.
"Well," says the man, "can I have that green banana out of your
packed lunch?"
The executioner hands over his banana and the man eats it. The
executioner pulls the handle and the volts go through the chair. When the smoke rises the man is still sat there alive without even a mark.
"I give up," says the executioner, "I don't understand how you can
still be alive after all that!" He strokes his chin. "It's something to do with that green banana isn't it?" he asks.
"Nah," says the bloke, "I'm just a very bad conductor."
Retirement.
Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their days interesting. For example, the other day my wife and I drove into town and went into a shop. We were only in there for about 5 minutes and when we came out, there was a traffic warden writing out a parking ticket.
We went up to him and said, 'Come on man, how about giving a senior citizen a break?' He ignored us and continued writing the ticket. I called him a Nazi tw*t. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn tyres.
So my wife called him a shi*he*d. He finished the second ticket and put it on the windscreen with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket. This went on for about 20 minutes. The more we abused him, the more tickets he wrote.
Personally, we didn't care. We came into town by bus. We try to have a little fun each day now that we're retired. It's important at our age.
Golf story.......
A father, his son and grandson went to the country club for their weekly round of golf. Just as they reached the first tee, a beautiful young blonde woman carrying her bag of clubs approached them and explained that the member who brought her to the club for a round of golf had an emergency that called him away and asked the trio whether she could join them.
Naturally, the guys all agreed.
Smiling,the blonde thanked them and said, 'Look, fellows, I work in a topless bar as a dancer, so nothing shocks me anymore. If any of you want to smoke cigars, have a beer, bet, swear, tell off-color stories or do anything that you normally do when playing a round together, go ahead. But, I enjoy playing golf, consider myself pretty good at it, so don't try to coach me on how to play my shots.'
The guys agreed and invited her to drive first and all eyes were fastened on her shapely behind as she bent to place her ball on the tee. She then took her driver and hit the ball 270 yards down the middle, right in front of the green.
The father's mouth was agape. 'That was beautiful,' he said.
The blonde put her driver away and said, 'I really didn't get into it, and I faded it a little.'
After the three guys hit their drives and their second shots, the blonde took out an eight iron and lofted the ball within five feet of the hole. (She was closest to the pin.)
The son said, 'Damn, lady, you played that perfectly.'
The blonde frowned and said, 'It was a little weak, but even an easy seven would h ave been too much club. I've left a tricky little putt.' She then tapped in the five-footer for a birdie.
Having the honour, she drove first on the second hole, knocked the heck out of the ball, and it landed nearly 300 yards away smack in the middle of the fairway and, for the rest of the round, the statuesque blonde continued to amaze the guys, quietly and methodically shooting for par or less on every hole.
When they arrived at the 18th green, the blonde was three under par, and had a very nasty 12-foot putt on an undulating green for a par. She turned to the three guys and said, 'I really want to thank you all for not acting like a bunch of chauvinists and telling me what club to use or how to play a shot, but I need this putt for a 69 and I'd really like to break 70 on this course. If any one of you can tell me ho w to make par on this hole, I'll take him back to my apartment, pour some 35-year-old Single Malt Strath Mill Scotch in him, fix him a steak dinner and then show him a very good time the rest of the night.'
The yuppie son jumped at the thought! He strolled across the green, carefully eyeing the line of the putt and finally said, 'Honey, aim about 6 inches to the right of the hole and hit it firm. It will get over that little hump and break right into the cup.'
The father knelt down and lined-up the putt using his putter as a plumb. 'Don't listen to the kid, darlin', you want to hit it softly 10 inches to the right and let it run left down that little hogback, so it falls into the cup.'
The old gray-haired grandfather walked over to the blonde's ball, picked it up and handed it to her and said, 'That's a gimme, sweetheart.'
The blonde smiled and said, 'Your car or mine?'
More golf.....
A nun walks into Mother Superior's office and plonks herself down into a chair and lets out a sigh heavy with frustration.
'What troubles you, Sister?' asked the Mother Superior, 'I thought this was the day you spent with your family.'
'It was,' sighed the Sister. 'And I went to play golf with my brother. We try to play golf as often as we can. You know I was quite a talented golfer before I devoted my life to Christ.'
'I seem to recall that,' the Mother Superior agreed. 'So I take it your day of recreation was not relaxing?'
'Far from it,' snorted the Sister. 'In fact, I even took the Lord's name in vain today!'
'Goodness, Sister!' gasped the Mother Superior, astonished. 'You must tell me all about it!'
'Well, we were on the fifth tee...and this hole is a monster, 540 yard Par five, with a nasty dog-leg left and a hidden green...and I hit the drive of my life. I creamed it. The sweetest swing I ever made. And it's flying straight and true, right along the line I wanted...and it hits a bird in mid-flight not 100 yards off the tee!'
'Oh my!' commiserated the Mother. 'How unfortunate! But surely that didn't make you blaspheme, Sister!'
'No, that wasn't it,' admitted Sister. 'While I was still trying to fathom what had happened, this squirrel runs out of the woods, grabs my ball and runs off down the fairway!'
'Oh, that would have made me blaspheme!' sympathized the Mother.
'But I didn't, Mother!' sobbed the Sister. 'And I was so proud of myself!
And while I was pondering whether this was a sign from God, this hawk swoops out of the sky and grabs the squirrel and flies off, with my ball still clutched in his paws!'
'So that's when you cursed,' said the Mother with a knowing smile.
'Nope, that wasn't it either,' cried the Sister, anguished, 'because as the hawk started to fly out of sight, the squirrel started struggling, and the hawk dropped him right there on the green, and the ball popped out of his paws and rolled to about 18 inches from the cup!'
Mother Superior sat back in her chair, folded her arms across her chest, fixed the Sister with a baleful stare and said, 'Don't tell me. You missed the f*****ng putt, didn't you?'
Sporting bloopers.
Here are 8 of the finest (unintentional) double-entendres ever aired
on British TV and radio.
1. Pat Glenn, weightlifting commentator - "And this is Gregoriava
from Bulgaria .. I saw her snatch this morning and it was
amazing!"
2. New Zealand Rugby Commentator - "Andrew Mehrtens loves it when Daryl Gibson comes inside of him."
3. Harry Carpenter at the Oxford-Cambridge boat race 1977 - "Ah,
isn't that nice. The wife of the Cambridge President is kissing the
Cox of the Oxford crew."
4.. Carenza Lewis about finding food in the Middle Ages on 'Time Team
Live' said: "You'd eat beaver if you could get it."
5.. Steve Ryder covering the US Masters: "Ballesteros felt much better
today after a 69 yesterday."
6. Mike Hallett discussing missed snooker shots on Sky Sports:
"Stephen Hendry jumps on Steve Davis's misses every chance he gets."
7.. Michael Buerk on watching Phillipa Forrester cuddle up to a male
astronomer for warmth during BBC1's UK eclipse coverage remarked:
"They seem cold out there, they're rubbing each other and he's only
come in his shorts."
8.. Ken Brown commentating on golfer Nick Faldo and his caddie Fanny
Sunneson lining-up shots at the Scottish Open: "Some weeks Nick likes
to use Fanny, other weeks he prefers to do it by himself."
Viagra.
Evidently, Viagra' is now available in powder form.
Taken with a cup of tea, it doesn't do very much to enhance sexual performance but it does stop the biscuits going soft.
Surgery.
When Ralph first noticed that his penis was growing larger and staying erect longer, he was delighted, as was his wife. But after several weeks, his penis had grown to nearly twenty inches and Ralph became quite concerned. He was having problems dressing and even walking. So he and his wife went to see a prominent urologist.
After an initial examination, the doctor explained to the couple that, though rare, Ralph's condition could be fixed through corrective surgery.
"How long will Ralph be on crutches?" the wife asked anxiously.
"Crutches?" responded the surprised doctor, "Why would he need crutches?"
"Well," said the wife coldly, "you're gonna lengthen his legs, aren't you?
Australian chat-up line.
An Australian bus driver is sitting at a bar and looks at his watch several times in the space of a few minutes.
A woman sitting nearby asks, "Is your date running late?"
"No," he replies, "I have this state-of-the-art watch. I was just testing it."
The woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?"
The Aussie explains, "It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically."
The lady says, "What's it telling you now?"
"Well, it says you're not wearing any panties."
The woman giggles and replies, "Well it must be broken because I am wearing panties!''
The Aussie smirks, checks his watch again and says, "Bloody thing's running about an hour fast. Can I buy you a drink?"
